Ok, so Alabama and Georgia spend most of their time making fun of each other but, like dysfunctional siblings, when the kids from around the corner come calling we put aside our differences long enough to present a united front. And after the recent article on Syracuse.com filled with questionable advice for visiting Syracuse fans given by a Syracuse native who moved to Atlanta in May of 2012 (yup, less than a year in the South) I will stop picking on Atlanta and Georgia long enough to present an united front. Hey, I promised more snarky posts so here it is!
First, in reference to the Syracuse fans who may be following the advice of the aforementioned misbegotten article: bless their hearts, it ain’t their fault. However, that isn’t gonna stop a Southerner from having a bit of fun with them. So, without further ado, here is your guide on how to welcome Syracuse fans to the South.
- Be sure to speak in your best Gone With the Wind drawl. After decades of TV and movies, there’s no way they’d understand your real accent.
- Remember to play banjo music in your business non-stop. They’ll be expecting this atmosphere after all.
- Warn the visitors, for their own safety of course, that lightning bugs do pack a whollop and be careful not to get zapped by them.
- Never say in two words what you can say in a paragraph. It’s fun to watch their eyes glaze over.
- Have a true to life size close up photo of a cicada ready to show to visitors when you have to explain the loud drone that they don’t recognize. Try not to laugh when they scream at the photo.
- Replace the toilet paper in the bathroom with a Sears and Roebuck catalog.
- Gather your friends, arrange yourself in mixed race groups and walk past visitors holding hands. Again, try not to laugh as the visitors brains seize up.
- Tell them the chicken and dumplings are squirrel brains.
- Serve all drinks in Mason jars.
- Let some crawdads loose in the shower.
Of course, once you’ve had your fun, don’t forget to show them some real Southern hospitality. Fatten them up with homemade strawberry jam, show them what real fried chicken is, point them to the best places to stay and shop, give the kids handmade “pretties” (for those of you under 50 that means a little toy of some sort – Grannies have been passing them out to random kids for generations in the rural South), and generally show them the truth of the South…that every stereotype they’ve ever heard is dead wrong.